


Let's be alone together

by BansheeOdair



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Aro Ace Niall, Aromantic, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Canon, ps: aro ace niall is important
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-17
Updated: 2016-02-17
Packaged: 2018-05-21 07:14:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6042829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BansheeOdair/pseuds/BansheeOdair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>And it’s not that Niall feels like it’s a waste of the day ‘cause he would rather spend this beautiful day outside than in a secret location somewhere in the London area. It’s not that, not that at all. It’s just that Niall doesn’t like interviews. Never has, never will.<i></i></i>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Interview's are Nialls least favorite thing in the world. Niall loathe interviews. Interviews make him feel vulnerable and out of place. What about Interviews make Niall invalid when really he is anything but.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let's be alone together

**Author's Note:**

> Since Aro-Ace Niall literally means the world to me, so this was only a matter of time. 
> 
> A massive thanks to the best of all betas: [Z](http://millionairelouis.tumblr.com/), I love you almost as much as I love aro-ace Niall.
> 
> Title: Inspired by the coolest of all bands: Fall out Boy
> 
> Disclaimer: I, unfortunately, don't own any of the boys. Even though this is canon and I wish this is what actually happened, in the end this is all just made up.

It’s a lovely spring day. One of those days where the air smells like fresh green grass and the sun is already up, shining bright in the sky. And there is nothing like the early spring sunrays hitting your skin, slowly wrapping around you and make you feel all warm and cosy. It’s a perfect day for simply hanging out with your friends, hitting off the barbeque season. It’s one of these days with a great potential for becoming one to remember. One to talk about even years later. It’s a beautiful spring day and Niall finds himself at the back of the van on a day packed with interviews.

And it’s not that Niall feels like it’s a waste of the day ‘cause he would rather spend this beautiful day outside than in a secret location somewhere in the London area. It’s not that, not that at all. It’s just that Niall doesn’t like interviews. Never has, never will.

When they first started as a band he knew instantly that he didn’t like them. They make him feel incredibly uncomfortable. And it’s not so much the questions about the band and the time with the boys or their music. It’s not that at all. Niall can deal with that. (Mainly because usually Liam or Harry answer and he can just nod along with a big smile on his face.) It’s when they start asking about personal stuff. It’s when the interviewers start asking about love. It’s when they start asking about girls, and what they look for in a girl. It’s those questions in which Niall’s hit with a wave of discomfort and anxiety.

Since the beginning Niall hasn’t regretted for a minute, not even a second that he applied for the X Factor. It’s been a rollercoaster ride, but he’s been enjoying it, every single moment. Or at least the parts involving the boys and their love for music, the performing and recording. If there weren’t the interviews that made him feel so incredibly naked and vulnerable.

It’s the music part that keeps him going. Makes him enjoy what he is doing. ‘Cause Music has been Niall’s safe space for a really long time now. Whenever he’s had a fight with someone or school stuff just becomes too much to handle, or it was just one of these days where everything just didn’t feel right. Where Niall felt so out of place, just like an emotionless body, numb and tired. Music has always been there for him. Music has been the one thing to get him out of the low. Music gave him strength. And mostly it gave his life meaning again. It picked him up and turned the numb and tired, into pain and sparks. It made him feel again. It’s always been Music that guided Niall through the dark.

(And sure sometimes music makes him feel even worse, sometimes the love songs or heavily sexual lyrics get to him. Make him feel weird and broken. But somehow that just pushed Niall even further into a career in music. Because Niall secretly vowed to himself that if he made music, it wouldn’t be the kind to exclude anyone. His music wouldn’t be about romance or sex. Not all of it anyway. His music would make people like him feel included and valid.)

Niall has never been a quiet person. Niall has always been the happy-go-lucky kind of person. At least that’s what people has been describing him. At least that's the picture Niall is trying to keep up. 

But he is aware that’s not what he is like. At least that’s not all of him. Because deep down, Niall is nothing like happy-go-lucky. Deep down, Niall thinks a lot. Deep down, Niall thinks through almost every step of his life. Deep down, Niall worries. A lot. 

They get paired up. Lately they get paired up on these promo/interview days a lot. Because if they get paired up, they get more interviews done per day.

Niall hates when they get paired up. Niall doesn’t like group interviews either, but he prefers them, chooses them over paired interviews. ‘Cause Group interviews means there are four other people who can take over the questions. It means four pairs of eyes, who can calm Niall down. It means being around his four best friends. It means safety, a small safe space. Pairing up means cutting that safe space. Pairing up means to let part of his defence go. It means leaving his blind side open. Pairing up means a higher chance of getting attacked and get hit where it hurts the most. Pairing up makes Niall even more nervous. It makes Nialls hand sweaty and more fidgety. Pairing up causes a lot of stress and there really isn’t anything that makes it better, makes Niall feel more comfortable.

And Niall knows he should talk about it. Should talk to the boys. But he doesn’t know how to phrase it.

And he is scared. Of what might come. Of what they might think. Of how they will react. Of how they will look at him. Niall wants them to know, but he is scared this will change a lot.

Mostly, Niall is scared of the change in their eyes. 

He doesn’t what Louis blue eyes to lose their spark and mischievousness when he looks at him. He doesn’t want Liam’s eyes to turn into pitty puppy eyes. He doesn’t want Harry’s eyes to turn from the green spring grass eyes full of hope and joy into a dark worried green. And he doesn’t want Zayns beautiful eyes, dark brown like his favourite swiss chocolate, turn into anything less beautiful. Niall is scared that this might change, and Niall isn’t ready to lose the support of these eyes, of these four amazing human beings. Niall just isn’t ready.

Niall realised that he might be a bit different quite a while ago.

At first he didn’t really think about it much. Tried to not make a big deal out of it. Simply tried to not to worried about it too much. He told himself he wasn’t ready just yet.

But it became more obvious to him. The older he got, the more his friends got into partying, dating, hooking up, Niall realised that it’s just not for him.

When Sean had his first girlfriend he just wouldn’t shut up about it. He wouldn’t stop talking about her. Long endless ramblings. And it wasn’t that Niall wasn’t interested, but he felt useless. Because what was he suppose to tell Sean? There wasn’t much he could share was there? What could he possibly say? Niall fell into a ritual of just nodding his head in agreement, mumbling little ‘yeses’ and ‘sures’.

It started that year with Sean, and it hasn’t stopped since. It’s whenever Niall finds himself in a situation that discusses ‘relationships’ or ‘love’, he finds himself getting quiet and uncomfortable.

And he finds himself nodding his head in agreement, when he wishes nothing more than to get out of this situation. ‘Cause Niall is the “odd one out”. And with the agreement he tries to keep up a wall. A wall of pretending. And it’s stupid. Niall knows it’s stupid. But he just isn’t ready to officially agree that he is the ‘odd one out’. Because that’s what he is, isn’t he? At least that’s what society tells him, don’t they?

Niall never had a girlfriend, nor a boyfriend for that matter. He never kissed nor had sex with anyone. Niall never experienced anything like a “crush”. And Niall is fine with it. He really is. Because he doesn’t feel sexually nor romantically attracted to anyone, never has, and most probably never will. And he is ok with that. Or at least he would be, if society didn’t tell him on a daily basis, that if you are still a virgin and un-kissed in your twenties you are ‘not normal’. That something is wrong with you, or that you are too picky, or cold-hearted. Society with it’s fucked up norms that makes you believing that you are ‘not normal”. And you soon start to put yourself into the position as the “odd one out”.

All Niall wants is to feel comfortable in his own skin. He wants to accept himself. And he wants to feel proud of himself, of who he is, of what he likes or doesn’t like. Without any exception. But society makes it incredibly hard. Society and it’s norm makes all of this so utterly hard. And it brings Niall into all of these situations, where he struggling, and feels nothing but uncomfortable. And he wishes it wouldn’t be this hard and frightening.

Niall has carried around these thoughts for quite some time now. He has been aware, that the way he feels and his sexuality, his sexual orientation is nothing but society’s norm and it’s heteronormativity. It’s far from it actually.

And Niall knows that he needs to start telling people. If it wouldn’t be so fucking scary.  
So Niall finds himself in another one of these interviews. Another one filled with the same old shitty questions. And Niall is sick of it. So sick of it. It’s frustrating. Besides the nervousness and the discomfort its simply frustrating. And Niall isn’t even sure which feeling is superior. He simply knows he needs to change things. And he should probably start sooner rather than later.

“Boys,” Niall croaks out suddenly, probably interrupting whatever whoever was saying, but. It doesn’t matter. This is more important. They’d understand. “Uhm, boys, could you maybe. Uhm, would you mind coming around to my room later? I kinda, uhm I kinda want to tell you guys something.”

He realises how much he is shaking, and he wish he could just stop. Fuck, why is this so hard. These are his four best friends, all of them with a heart of gold, all of them beyond supportive, open and accepting. And still Niall has never been this nervous in his life before. He feels so incredibly small and vulnerable. And he is so, so fucking scared.

“Ni, you are alright?” Louis asks, while Harry already wraps an arm around Niall’s shoulder, slowly pulling him closer.

“I’m alright, yeah. I’m... Could you guys come around later and then I’ll try to explain?” He asks worried.

“Yeah, sure,” Liam states immediately.

“Of course,” Harry mumbles assuring into his ear. And Louis and Zayn just shake their head in agreement. And Niall feels overwhelmed by their love.

So he finds himself and his boys on his comfy hotel bed about two hours later. Louis had bought everything out of the vending machine on their hotel floor. They have been talking about anything and everything, but Niall is aware of the slight tension in the room and he knows he should speak up.

“So uhm... it’s kinda my fault you guys are stuck in this hotel room on such a beautiful spring day...”

“I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else,” Harry interrupts.

“Don’t be such a sap, Harold” Louis retorts.

“Shut up, both of you and let Niall talk,” Liam says while giving both of them a warning look.  
Meanwhile Zayn just puts a hand on Niall thigh, assuring and comforting.

“Uhm... so this is not easy for me.” He laughs, insecure. “I’m not hiding it very well, am I?”

“Whatever it is Niall, you know you can always count on us. We are here for you, no matter what.” Zayn tells him.

“So uhm. This is nothing new for me, it’s something that I’ve been thinking about and struggling with for quite some time.” Niall begins, four pairs of eyes pinned on him, sweaty hands. No one ever said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard. “But it’s a big part of me, of who I am. And I feel like I need to tell you guys. To come clean with myself, and to actually be who I am and stop hiding. Hiding behind a wall of pretending. Because that’s not who I want to be. Not who I want to be anymore. So uhm .. I’m not like you guys, at least not when it comes to sexuality.” And Niall is proper shaking now, his eyes tearing up. He is not able to see straight, its all blurry. Just like his mind. And fuck, why is this so hard?  
He feels Zayns warm hand on his thigh. Slow and assured rubs. And he feels another one on his back, most probably Louis. Stroking him, slow small circles. And it simply overwhelms him.

“Hey Ni, it’s ok. We got you.” It’s Louis who fills the silent room with supportive words.

“I .. I never felt like you guys. Or at least I guess I don’t. It’s just that, and I think you all might know that. It’s that I never really had anyone. Like I’ve never been interested in anyone, neither romantically nor sexually. And this is not because I haven’t found the right one yet. It’s just that I’m not interested in it. Never was, and I don’t think I ever will. And uhm ... yeah, I am …” Niall is about to say the words out loud for the first time, ever. And he is not sure, he is ready for it. He has been thinking a lot about the terms, the labels. And he hates labels, but than again it’s feels so good to figure out that you are not the only one who feels a certain way. And as much as Niall hates labels, as much he absurdly loves that there is a label that he can identify with, one that assures him, that he is not alone and that nothing is wrong with him. And he is about to say it out loud for the first time, and he can’t believe it.

“I am, uhm ... I mean if you want to put a label on it, I am aromantic and asexual. And .. and I hope that’s ok and you still love me as much as before this teary speech of mine?” 

It’s the first time he looks up. And he is met with four pairs of big, sparkling and proud eyes.

And soon he gets tackled. Louis is the first one and the rest of them follow soon after.  
And Niall finds himself in a huddle of love and comfort. And he doesn’t think he has ever been this happy. Blood rushing through his veins, heart is beating harder than when he steps out to a crowd of eighty thousand people, and he has never been more proud.

And Niall knows this is just the start, this is just the beginning. But he knows he can do almost everything with these four boys having his back.

**Author's Note:**

> If you like it, I'm glad. If not, that's cool as well.  
> I'm always happy about kudos or comments, you could also totally stop by [ my tumblr](http://www.imightaswelll.tumblr.com) and talk to me. :)


End file.
